Songs, Stories, and Other Non Sequiturs

by The Amoeba People

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.

      name your price


(free) 00:47


Stars! Futons! Office Supplies! Inter-Species Child-Rearing! Join The Amoeba People on a journey through the known and unknown universe! Onward!


released July 7, 2010



all rights reserved


The Amoeba People Lakewood, California

The Amoeba People are musical ambassadors from the Planet Crouton, here to learn about our world, to unravel the wonders of its natural history, to study the life which inhabits it and to parse the mysteries of the human species by learning its dance moves. The band consists of Mr. Hedgpeth (captain), Mr. Jordan (navigator), and Mr. Mosley (engineer and technician). ... more

contact / help

Contact The Amoeba People

Streaming and
Download help

Track Name: A Transmission From Space


BECKFORD: Sir, sir.

SIR: What is it, Beckford?

BECKFORD: We’ve just received a transmission from outer space, sir.

SIR: A transmission?

BECKFORD: Yes, sir. It’s happening.

SIR: What?

BECKFORD: They’ve arrived.

SIR: Um, who?

BECKFORD: Yes . . . the Amoeba People!


SIR: Did you make a recording?

BECKFORD: Yes, sir, on this handy cassette tape. And though it certainly sounds extraterrestrial, it sounds strangely human as well.

SIR: What does that mean, Beckford?

BECKFORD: It seems to be a collection of songs, stories and other non-sequiturs.

SIR: Well in that case this is remarkable, uh, Beckford!

BECKFORD: Would you like me to play the tape, sir?

SIR: Yes, Beckford, but before you do, you must realize one thing.

BECKFORD: What’s that, sir?

SIR: Well, you put me on the spot now . . . I can’t seem to remember.

BECKFORD: Well put, sir. Let me play that tape for you.

Track Name: Cosmology, Your Futon, and You

So you’re sitting on your futon and your thoughts turn to cosmology
And how we’re tiny specks adrift in space
And you realize where you sit is really just the start of it
As your mind begins to wander from this place
For your futon’s in a room and the room is in a house
Or an apartment on a block in a neighborhood
And whether homely, plain or pretty, it’s in a town or in a city
Just like you’d expect a neighborhood would
And at this time I should relate
The city’s in a county and the county’s in a state
The state’s in a country and the country’s in a continent no matter how you scan it
And I’d like to make it clear that the continent's in a hemisphere
Which is part of a bigger sphere we call a planet

And you're sitting on your futon
And your thoughts turn to cosmology

Our planet’s in a system which revolves around a star
Called the Sun which is 93 million miles away
And the Sun’s in the outer arm of a spiral-shaped galaxy of stars
Which the ancient Greeks named the Milky Way
And the Milky Way is part of something called the Local Group
Which contains our galaxy and roughly 30 more
And the Local Group is part of the Virgo Supercluster
Containing galaxies, nebulae and quasars
And everywhere in the universe you look, in every cranny and every nook
Are superclusters brimming with billions of stars

And you're sitting on your futon
And your thoughts turn to cosmology

Now here’s the trippy part, the part that may just blow your mind,
For stars are made of elements, as you may know
The elements found in stars are in birds and trees and cars
As well as rocks and air and Grandma’s cookie dough
Yes, the building blocks of the sun are everywhere and in everyone
Including you and me and your crazy Uncle Leon
They have names that are quite common like helium, hydrogen and carbon
And stranger ones like beryllium and neon
But to see the magic of these stars you needn’t travel oh so far
Or blast off in your custom-made spaceship
For the elements found in space can even be found inside this place
And in your futon where you sit there eating corn chips

And you're sitting on your futon
And your thoughts turn to cosmology
And you sit there on your futon
And you wonder, what exactly is a futon?
Track Name: Office Supplies Unite!

When the boss was away for his day in court
Where the jury gave him twenty-four years
The office supplies took over the office
And the office resounded with cheers
The office resounded with cheers

The paper clips jumped from the open drawer
The staplers pounded out a rhythm on the floor
The pencil sharpener cried out for more
And the office resounded with cheers

Office supplies
Office supplies
Office supplies unite!
Office supplies
Office supplies
Office supplies unite!

The coffee mugs danced with a clink clink clink
The date stamp jumped on its pad of ink
The voice mail system went on the blink
And the office resounded with cheers

Office supplies, etc.

Hey ho! the CEO
Was carted off to prison where the criminals go
For cheating the investors of their hard-earned dough
And the office resounded with cheers

Office supplies, etc.
Track Name: The Ballad of Toshi the Turnip

With the sun overhead blazin’ hot glowin’ red
And a dry wind blowin’ all around,
It was on that day, the legends say,
a turnip was destiny bound.
Her name was Toshi; she hailed from Miyoshi--
That’s somewhere in Texas they say.
She liked to ramble and roam and she was far from home
When she rode into town that day.
What did she see? but a town of celery
starin’ at her cold as ice.
They spoke real firm, tried to make her squirm
when they gave her this cruel advice:
“Let’s get this straight right outta the gate
Before you cozy up and try to settle down!
You’re nothing more than a root, so we’re givin’ you the boot
Cause, turnip, you’re in celery town!”

Toshi the Turnip ridin’ high and dry,
The last in a long line of turnip samurai.
Instead of a sword she carried a guitar,
And the celery were lookin’ for a reason to spar
With Toshi

Impervious to threats she hedged her bets
And rode on till she came to a saloon.
She took a seat without caring, past the gawking and staring
As the clock on the wall struck noon.
At exactly that time at the drop of a dime,
A figure walked through the door.
All heads turned around when they heard the sound
Of those footsteps on the floor.
It was Tombstalk McGrew and the celery knew
He was the baddest celery in town.
He stood tall and stared and boldly declared,
“I’m hunting that turnip down!”
Tombstalk’s eyes cut Toshi down to size
with a stare as sharp as a tack.
He was chewin’ straw and he laughed when he saw
the guitar on Toshi’s back.
“Who do you think you are bringin’ that guitar
into this celery town?
Let’s put it to the test and see who’s best--
I propose a guitar showdown!”
The townspeople flowed to a spot in the road
Where the duel was almost underway.
Tombstalk stood with his six-string and wood
With a voice as cold as the clay.
“I’ll play fast and faster on this telecaster
And blaze like a midnight star!
By the time I’m through I’m gonna prove to you
Tombstalk’s king of the guitar!”
The only word anyone heard
Toshi say to that vegetable vigilante
Was when she bowed her head and in a quiet voice said,
“This one’s for Jimmy Durante.”

Tombstalk began to play and the duel was underway . . .
But Toshi jumped in like a thunder clap . . .
The celery and the turnip went back and forth . . .

A silence fell like a magical spell
And the celery were speechless and numb.
For a moment or three they pondered eternity
And why this turnip had come.
But before they could speak with their minds still weak from the weight Of all that surmisin’,
Without a hint of remorse, Toshi climbed on her horse
And rode off into the horizon.

Toshi the turnip rode into town
She played her guitar and she made a purty sound
She never returned that celery town again
But the celery have never ever been quite the same since then!
Track Name: The Autoharp is Out of Tune

(voice 1)
The autoharp is out of tune
The autoharp is out of tune
The autoharp is out of tune
It’s horribly and ridiculously out of tune

(chorus of voices)
Why is the autoharp out of tune?
Why is the autoharp out of tune?
Why is the autoharp out of tune?
(voice 1)
Because I threw it down the stairs

(chorus of voices)
Why did you throw it down the stairs?
Why did you throw it down the stairs?
Why did you throw it down the stairs?
(voice 1)
Because my mom wouldn’t buy me a guitar

Why would your mom not buy you a guitar?
Why would your mom not buy you a guitar?
Why would your mom not buy you a guitar?
(voice 1)
Because I never ever clean my room

Why do you never ever clean your room?
Why do you never ever clean your room?
Why do you never ever clean your room?
(voice 1)
Because I want her to hire a maid

You sound like a spoiled little brat
You sound like a spoiled little brat
You sound like a spoiled little brat
You deserve an autoharp that’s out of tune!
You deserve an autoharp that’s out of tune!
You deserve an autoharp that’s out of tune!
Track Name: The Frustrating Tale of Trixie Dee the Doubter

Have you ever heard the story about Trixie Dee the Doubter?
If you want to hear then I will tell you all about her
She doubted every fact and figure that she read
And doubted everything her parents said

Her mother was a well-known doctor of astronomy
Her father was a physicist of notoriety
Between the two they taught their daughter all they knew
But everything they said she would poo poo

Now, Trixie Dee, her mother said, the earth is round (I doubt it)
And in outer space there is no air and hence there is no sound (What?)
The sun is more than ninety million miles away
And when our planet rotates once it’s called a day (No way!)

Now Trixie Dee, her father said, it’s very plain to see
That what goes up must come down—we call that gravity
A bird must work against it just to reach the sky
And that is why we humans cannot fly

You say all this is true
I have my doubts
So should you
I doubt all night and day
And I like it that way

That little Trixie lived a life so dangerously daring
She walked through busy intersections hardly ever caring
She swallowed rocks and threw her socks at vicious beasts
And made her parents sick with fear and grief

She said, Dear Mom and Dad you worry far too much about it
You think you know so much but hmmm I seriously doubt it
And just to show you how completely right I am
I’ll prove that gravity is just a sham

She bolted up the stairway before anyone could stop her
Said father, If she plays with gravity then it will drop her!
They chased her up the stairs and past the antique clock
As she slammed the bedroom door they heard the lock

She poked her head outside the open second story window
I don’t believe in gravity, she said with arms akimbo
And in a few short moments I’ll be world renown
As the one who went up but did not come down

Soon the scene began to grow from curious to frantic
The neighbors called for help and soon the crowd was quite gigantic
The firefighters soon arrived with trampolines
And photographers from tabloid magazines

They tried to talk her out of it but she was unaffected
An expert in such matters said, “Her needs have been neglected”
And everyone who gathered watched with bated breath
To see if she would plummet to her death

She stood upon the window frame and leaped into the ether
She struck a pose and thumbed her nose at all who stood beneath her
And then she dropped so quickly that the people gasped
They watched with hands so tightly clasped
Rosaries were quickly grasped
It was a terrifying scene
She landed in the trampoline
And when she rose into the air
These words she did declare

Aye, yi, yi, yi
Look everyone I can fly!
You thought I was unwise and you’d witness my demise
But now you see me soar into the sky!

Aye, yi, yi, yi
Look everyone she can fly!
We doubted Trixie Dee but as you can plainly see
She is fast upon her way into the sky!

Her father said, Now Trixie Dee has finally reached her zenith
Yes, her mother said, I know exactly what you meaneth
She’ll soon begin a terrifying quick descent
And the only thing beneath her is cement

She started falling fast and every second she fell faster
The people’s faces turned from rosy red to alabaster
They were all so stunned they could not move their feet
As she landed with a splat right in the street

She woke up in the hospital with faces all around her
Microphones and cameras seemed to close in and surround her
And all the people gathered round began to ask
What lesson have your learned my child?
What issues have you reconciled?
The anxious public will suspect
That your are riddled with regret
For surely there’s a moral here
And now it must be plainly clear
That doubting simply doesn’t pay
Have you now seen the error of your stubborn doubting ways?
I-I-I-I doubt it!
Track Name: Josey Durango, the Boy Raised by Bullfrogs


BOY: Gee, sure is a pretty night tonight.

Girl: Sure is. Makes me want to write poetry.


BOY: Hey, what’s that sound?

Girl: It’s coming from the bushes!

BOY: Mom? Dad? Crazy Uncle Leon, is that you?

CAL: No, kids, it’s just me!

KIDS: Cal Frontier!

CAL: Mind if I cozy up to your fire here and partake in a few of those marsh-a-mallows?

GIRL: Not at all.

BOY: Say, Cal Frontier, can you tell us a story?

GIRL: Yeah!

CAL: Well, I suppose so. What kind of story you kids wanna hear?

BOY: Tell us a story about the old frontier days!

CAL: Have I ever told you kids about Josey Durango?

GIRL: No, but he sounds funny.

Cal: Sure, he was funny. But let me tell ya, he was stranger than any human that ever walked the face of this earth.

BOY: Even our Crazy Uncle Leon?

CAL: Oh sure. See, what made Josey Durango unique was his upbringin’. It wasn’t what you’d call a normal childhood.

GIRL: Do you mean to say he was an anomaly?

Cal: That’s one way to put it. For you see, Josey Durango was raised by a family of bullfrogs.

Kids: Bullfrogs!?

CAL: Sure! Lemme tell you kids about it.


Once upon a time, long ago back then
When the frontier was young and the New World was new
There lived a strange fella named Josey Durango
Raised by bullfrogs from the age of two.

CAL: Josey’s story begins back when he and his family were making their way out west in an old covered wagon. On a particularly bumpy stretch of trail, the wagon hit a root snag and little Josey, who was barely two years old at the time, came a tumblin’ right out the back of that wagon onto that hard dusty trail below. Sad thing is that most of Josey’s family was napping at the time and didn’t even see it happen. They were a good ninety miles to the west before they even noticed he was missin’.

But Josey was a pretty tough little fella, and even after he hit that hard dusty ground, he kept on sleepin’ away like nothing was doin’.

Long about this time a mama bullfrog hopped up from a nearby creek. When she saw a human baby there asleep in the dirt with no one to take care of him, she decided right then and there that she would raise him as her own.

So Josey grew up on the bank of that creek where his bullfrog family taught him how to hop and how to swim and how to catch flies and all sorts of other bugs with his tongue. He lived a grand life with his bullfrog family who loved him and took good care of him.

But there was one little problem. As a matter of fact, it was a BIG problem. As Josey got older and grew bigger, he had to have more and more food to eat. He ate almost every fly, mosquito, water strider, and dragonfly he spotted. And this posed a problem, as his family needed to eat as well. But you see, once Josey had supped, there wasn’t much left for anyone else.

So one afternoon, Pa bullfrog sat him down, and had a talk with him.

“Son,” he croaked, “there’s somethin’ your mother and I never told you and maybe we should have long ago.”

“What do you wanna tell me, pa?” said Josey.

“Son, I don’t know quite how to say this, but you’re not actually a bullfrog.”

“Whaddaya mean, Pa? Of course I’m a bullfrog! I’ve been a bullfrog my whole life. Why I--”

“Son, listen to me. You are a human.”

“A human? What’s that?”

“It’s a type of animal that walks upright and invents things, like vehicles and weapons and manifest destiny.”

“But, Pa, I’m no different than you or Ma or any of my brothers and sisters, right?”

So Pa told Josey how Ma bullfrog had found him out in the middle of the trail and took him back to the creek and made him a part of the family. Josey was stunned.

“But that’s not the only thing I need to tell you, son. Because you’re a human and we live here by this tiny little creek, there’s just not enough food for a growing human boy like you. And though it pains me to say this, you’re gonna have to go find a place of your own. A nice big river bank or somewheres where you can have all the flies you want and never have to worry about takin’ someone else’s food.”

Josey couldn’t believe his ears, but he also knew Pa was right. He’d noticed for some time now that he was much bigger than the rest of his family, but he just thought he was unique. He’d no idea he was of a completely different species.

So Josey packed up his things, said a tearful goodbye to his family and headed west, looking for a new place to live. And as he walked along he sang:


GIRL: Why are you stopping, Cal?

CAL: It seems we are all out of marsh-a-mallows.

BOY: I can go get some more.

CAL: Now how are we going to do that out here in the middle of the wilderness?

BOY: Cal, we’re just sitting around a barbecue pit in our backyard.

CAL: You don’t say?

BOY: I’ll be right back. Don’t tell the rest of the story without me!

CAL: You got it, tike!
Track Name: Josey Durango and the Great Fly Snag


BOY: I’m back with the marshmallows. Can you finish telling us the story now, Cal Frontier?

GIRL: Yeah. Where did Josey Durango end up after leaving the relative comfort of the creek where he spent most of his extraordinary adolescence?

CAL: Well, Josey walked and walked, takin’ in the amazin’ sights of the vast American frontier. And then one evening, he sat down to take a rest by the bank of a beautiful meanderin’ river. He sat himself down on a rock and gazed up at the bright full moon and listened to a bullfrog sing not ten feet away from him.

When the bullfrog was done singing that sad, mournful song, Josey said, “Yep, friend. I know what you mean.”

“What did you say?” said the bullfrog.

“I said, I know what you mean,” Josey replied.

“I know that’s what you said. But how in tarnation are you, a bona fide human being, able to speak the language of the bullfrogs?”

“Well, it’s because I am a bullfrog.”

The bullfrog laughed and laughed at this.

“Let me get this straight. You think you’re a bullfrog?”

“No, friend. I don’t think I’m a bullfrog. I AM a bullfrog.”

The frog had another good laugh at this.

“Granted,” said Josey, “I’m a human by nature, but I’m a bullfrog by nurture.”

“Well,” replied the bullfrog, “if you’re really a bullfrog, let’s see you do this— ”

And the bullfrog flung out his tongue and snagged a mosquito off a nearby rock and ate it on the spot.

Josey, who knew this routine quite well, flung out that long tongue of his and snagged him a dragonfly that had just buzzed by the bullfrog’s face. The bullfrog was quite impressed, but continued to press on.

“All right, then,” he said. “Let’s see you try this one!” And he flung out his tongue, this time all the way out to river, and he nabbed a water strider that was skimming along the surface.

Josey, excited by this impromptu contest, flung out his long tongue and nabbed three water striders in quick succession from the surface of the water with a bloop, bloop, bloop.

The bullfrog had never seen anything quite like this.

“All right, stranger,” he said. “So you know yourself a few tricks and I admit that they are of an impressive nature, but now I’m going to do one that only us bullfrogs know how to do. And if you know the ways of the bullfrog, like you says you do, than you’ll know how to catch a moonfly. I’ll go first, and then we’ll see if you really are the bullfrog you claim to be.”

And the bullfrog flung out his tongue, but this time it went straight toward the moon! That tongue of his stretched and stretched until there was a faint smack! Soon, Josey could hear the sound of that frog tongue slurpin it’s way back to Earth and when it finally came back down to the riverbank, Josey could see on the tip of the frog’s tongue, a giant fly about the size of a tomato. In bullfrog parlance, this creature was known as a moonfly. The bullfrog began chewing and said, “Now let’s see you top that one, stranger.”

Now Josey had heard of this trick before from his Pa, but he had never attempted it himself. Still, he thought now would be a good time to give it a whirl. So Josey squatted on his haunches and flung out that long tongue of his toward the moon with all his might. However, Josey didn’t realize his own strength. His tongue didn’t merely scratch the surface of the moon; that tongue of his knocked the Moon clear out of its spot in the sky! He caught it with the tip of his tongue before it could fall and held it there. “Howth tha ullrog?” Josey said.

The bullfrog was dumbfounded.

When Josey felt like he had soundly proved his point, he flung the moon back to its spot in the sky where it popped right back into place.

“Stranger,” said the bullfrog, “I don’t know who you are, what you are, or where you came from, but if you say you’re a bullfrog, I am inclined to agree with ya.”

“Well, you can just call me Josey. That’s my name.”

“So what brings you to these parts, Josey?”

Josey told him the long sad tale of his current circumstances and when he was done, the bullfrog had tears in his eyes and said, “Friend, if you’re lookin’ for a home, there are more than enough bugs here for someone your size to feast on to his heart’s delight. And I certainly would welcome the companionship of someone as truly gifted and extraordinary as you.”

This made Josey’s heart warm with affection and the loneliness he felt for his family, though it would never fade completely, was momentarily assuaged by the new friendship he had struck up.

Track Name: A Brief Chronological History of the Space Monkey Program

KID 1: Hey! Look this record I found. It’s called “A Brief, Chronological History of the Space Monkey Program.”

KID 2: Let’s listen too it!

KID 3: Yeah, put it on.

KID 1: All right, let me put it on the record player. Put the needle on.



In Nineteen hundred and forty-eight
They sent a monkey up into space
The monkey’s name was Albert
No human could take his place
He was a brave little monkey
But his time had come

KID 1: Sounds like the monkey might’ve died.


BLL: Kids, I’m trying to sing a happy little song here about the Space Monkey program.

KID 2: I think this record’s talking to us.

KID 3: What should we do?

KID 2: Say something back!

KID 1: When you said his time had come it sounded like the monkey might’ve . . . died.

BLL: Well, yes, kids, as a matter of fact he did.

KIDS: (collective groan)


BLL: Next came Albert the second
Month of July Year of ‘49
He went higher and farther than
Albert the first
Boy he was surely flyin’
What a brave little monkey
But his time had come

KID 1: Did he die too?


BLL: Now look here, kids. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but as a matter of fact, Albert the second died as well.

KIDS: (Collective groan)

BLL: And I should clarify that Albert the second was technically the first monkey in space since he reached an altitude of 134 kilometers, while Albert the first only made it to 63, and as I’m sure you all know space begins at about a hundred kilometers.


BLL: Later that same year
Long come Albert the third and
Albert the fourth
September flew one December the other
And boy how they stayed the course
They were brave little monkeys
But their time had come

KID 1: So the same thing happened to them too, huh?


BLL: Sadly, Albert the third died when his rocket exploded at a mere 10 km high.

KIDS: (Collective groan)

BLL: And as for Albert the fourth, that poor little guy died on impact when he returned to Earth.

KIDS: (Collective groan)

BLL: And while we’re at it I might as well tell you that in 1951 Albert the fifth died as well; the cause was two simple words: parachute failure.


BLL: Then ’long came a monkey named Yorrick
In September 1951
He flew into space with 11 little mice
Then his work for mankind was done
He was a brave little monkey
But his time had come


KID 2: Yorrick too? That’s terrible!

BLL: Actually, you’ll be pleased to know that Yorrik, a.k.a. Albert the sixth, who went up with the aforementioned 11 mice, was the first monkey to survive a space flight.

KIDS: (Collective cheer)

BLL: Hold on now, don’t get too cheery. Yorick sadly died two hours after landing.

KIDS: (Collective groan)

KID 3: Alas, poor Yorrick!

BLL: So let’s sing in honor of those monkeys who lost their lives, who paved the way for human astronauts, who went where no primate had gone before!

All: Get along little monkey
Get along little monkey
Little monkey oh
Little monkey oh
Little monkey
Track Name: Toshi, the Improbable Superturnip

You villains think you’ve got it made this time
As you sit there plotting your daily corporate crime

Evildoers! You slime!
You won’t get away this time!
‘Cause Toshi the Turnip has come to battle crime!

She was born in a garden next to a wooden gate
But the life of a vegetable was not her fate

Evildoers! You slime!
You won’t get away this time!
‘Cause Toshi the Turnip has come to battle crime

When they pulled her from the ground
She had super turnip powers
She battled all the wicked weeds
And rescued all the flowers
But now she’s coming for you
Corporate villains of this world
You will feel her wrath
Once her power is unfurled

You enemies of humanity beware
She’s a bulbous taproot with powers beyond compare

Evildoers! You slime!
You won’t get away this time!
‘Cause Toshi the Turnip has come to battle crime
Track Name: The Final Report


BECKFORD: Well, what do you think, sir?

SIR: Well I must confess, Beckford, I found myself rooting for that little turnip.

BECKFORD: Indeed, sir. And I’ve developed an irrational fondness for bullfrogs as well.

SIR: However, Beckford, I’m at a loss for what to put in my final report. These Amoeba People don’t seem threatening, and I’m beginning to think we should welcome this invasion. Boy, I’m hungry.

BECKFORD: Maybe you just need to listen to the whole thing again, sir.

SIR: Yes, that’s exactly what I was thinking, Beckford.

BECKFORD: You order the pizza and I’ll go get the soda pop!

SIR: Now you’re talking, Beckford!